Today I had another meltdown! It wasn’t pretty!

Alot of tears (almost 3 hrs), holding my head begging for the extraordinarily weird, headache and emotional pain to stop. About three phone calls begging my Mum to come and begging my husband to help me as well. This was how I spent my morning today.

Alot of people would perhaps laugh at a 37 year woman begging her mother and husband to help her. A person suffering the agony of a mental illness, on the other hand, may well understand at least some of what I was going through.

I’d had a pretty bad week with my husband. We argued alot over relatively silly topics.  As usual, it hadn’t gone too well with me. No matter how many times he tells me he’s never trying to be rude or not trying to upset me, I always get angry and sad.

My bipolar symptoms seem to manifest irritability in me for almost half the time. I try my best to remind myself not to be paranoid, but with my husband telling me off so often for forgetting certain household chores or not doing them well enough. It can be extremely hard to react calmly. It doesn’t exactly help when half the time he gets mad because I try hard not to argue with him by thinking or saying “it’s not that big a deal.” Even when I remember not to say the words, he always seems to know I’m thinking it, he says he can tell by my tone of voice or expression…?

Sometime other health issues can make your normal symptoms worse, my growing irritability and other symptoms usually always causes more trouble with my husband or my parents. Trouble with my husband always causes me the most pain and anguish. Fighting with my husband builds the most anxiety as I start believing that he possibly can’t really want to live and be married with me. I start obsessing with the idea that my husband’s complaints about my lack of housekeeping capability is due to his wanting me out of his life. How could anyone want to live and spend time with someone flawed and sick like me? How long will he put up with me and my symptoms?

This morning, my interpratation of my bipolar symptoms was to announce to my busband that I felt like I only have half a brain. My anxiety got so bad that I started talking nonsense and the second time I tried to repeat that “my head hurts”, instead of saying head I said “bread”.

My mum came over almost an hour and a half after my husband left for work, I agreed for him to go as he has to earn money for us on his own and he had an important client meeting today. By the time Mum arrived I had stopped crying. My headache from last night still wasn’t better despite my having had two panadols an hour before, but the tingly feeling in my head was considerably less.

Going to the shopping centre with Mum and our son helped distract me a little from my stress. It took about three or four hours after we’d gotten home from shopping for me to really start feeling better.

In the past, on days that I knew Mum might be busy, my husband and I both usually decide not to bother Mum and Dad. I have felt this bad before and not had Mum come over. Usually my husband stays with me for as long as he can and tries to calm me down to stop me from crying, then I usually feel such a burden that I normally tell him to go to work.

I don’t like to be on my own when I feel this bad, but I usually don’t try so hard to get someone to agree to stay with me as I did today. Today though, for some reason it felt worse then usual, today I just couldn’t stand the idea that no one seemed willing to stay with me to help me get through the emotional amd physical pain I felt.

Normally when on my own when I feel this bad, I keep searching for something to use to distract my aching, wired up mind. I look for things to do with our son or try watching different types of movies or tv shows, I try almost everything I can think of to distract myself. For me, it’s usually better to avoid thinking or talking too much about whatever topic caused me to freak out. Taking a hot shower or bath or taking a nap usually helps to calm me down a little, I also have to make sure I have enough to eat or drink to try to reduce the headache and ensure no new symptoms arise.

Tonight, I will eventually sleep, still with a slight headache which has continued since last night. Earlier today while shopping Mum suggested I try one of the vitamin type tablets available at the chemist that are made to reduce stress etc, I agreed to get advice from my gp as soon as possible. My husband also suggested this morning that we should consider the idea of discussing getting me back on some proper medication for the bipolar. At the moment I am considering both ideas, I plan to discuss with my husband the two ideas this weekend.

I’s all good to argue that we don’t want for me to be on prescription medication because of the side effects etc. If I really do need to be taking medication, and if it will help reduce or stop the symptoms I had to deal with today, at the moment I think I might consider taking them.

I wouldn’t wish these sorts of symptoms even on my worst enemies. These are some of the hardest symptoms of mental illness to live with.

These are the symptoms that make people want to hurt themselves just to avoid feeling them. This inner gut renching pain and sorrow are the worst, it’s utterly impossible to believe that anyone can love you or want you around. These are the symptoms that truly make a person doubt their own sanity. You simply can’t feel normal in these circumstances.

Even though I normally want to scream at “normal” people that having bipolar doesn’t mean a person is crazy. During these sorts of days, I start saying the opposite. I start to believe myself that perhaps there is something mot quite right in my head.

Sometims I just want out…

This is the sort of pain and symptoms mentally ill people have to deal and live with. These symptoms are totally out of a persons control. No one “wants” to feel like this. If we could avoid symptoms, thoughts and feelings like these, no one would actually be “diagnosed” with any mental illness to begin with.

While it is possible to manage bipolar symptoms without using medications. People have to be well aware and knowledgabke of the possibe risks they take with deciding not to take medications. You have to have a good, caring supoortive team of people willing to give you time and attention if and when you need it. You have to know if you are capable of dealing with the symptoms without putting yourself or others at risk.

Unfortunately most people that are not diagnosed with mental illness are normally unable to comprehend what it feels like to live with symptoms of mental illness. If only there was some way of really getting more people to actually see how devastating some of the symptoms are. If only there was more understanding and true compassion towards people living with the symptoms of mental illness…


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