Emotionally Tired of the fight

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I’d give anything to be able to create my artwork more often in peace!

Life is all too much about money! What wouldn’t I give to be able to use a time machine and go back to hit the person who invented money over the head to stop them!

I had a conversation just yesterday about this wish of mine to stop money from being invented, and my husband showed me my error, it’s not money that’s the problem, it’s human greed that’s making me miserable!

No one is open and/or willing to help other people. Everyone is too busy looking out only for themselves. Money has too much value these days, let alone being absolutely necessary for general living. You can’t do anything or go anywhere without it! You virtually can’t eat or drink anything without money and you can hardly get any resources without it.

A lot of unhappiness comes from the lack of money! The main problems I have with our marriage is due to lack of funds and how we could make my life less stressful and easier. If we had enough financial funds to buy extra equipment that would make my house management easier. We would buy a dishwasher, a good strong medium weight vacuum, we would more easily afford to buy food for the home as I am a really lousy cook.

My lack of cooking skills adds a lot of extra emotional stress and trouble between me and my husband. The more I try to become a better housewife and cook, the more I stress over it the more mistakes I make and the more problems we have in getting along. I have panic attacks and other anxiety issues more often and at worse levels and it all starts off more of my Bipolar symptoms. It’s like a never ending cycle of negativity and stress.

I really am desperate to try to look after the house and our son and husband better then I am able to. However my desperate efforts go pretty much unnoticed because of my lack of expertise in some of the main the tasks I have to get done in order to look after them. I get discouraged easily from cooking because it’s so bad and we sometimes can’t even eat it. It makes me feel bad to throw away food and it’s against my husbands culture and against both of our religions. When it’s that bad both my husband and I get upset and we become more irritable with each other. He assumes that I don’t try hard enough and that I get too distracted with my “hobbies” and I get sad and depressed thinking that I am not good enough at anything.

It can become very emotionally draining and tiring to have to keep fighting over the same topics, fight against your emotions and symptoms and fighting with your family members are both hard to cope with sometimes. Sometimes it can be extremely hard to continue motivating yourself to continue working on improving your emotional and mental health when you have a seemingly constant flood of problems that keep churning up more trouble.

I am desperately trying to avoid giving up all together, but what can a person do when they are unable to really learn something important no matter what they do? I have tried almost every idea my husband, I and my mother can think of to get me to learn to cook better. So far nothing has really helped, I even started refusing to answer the phone if I am cooking, but I can’t exactly stop my son from wanting my attention, he needs to be fed etc.

Sometimes, there is no real solution to be found easily…

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21 thoughts on “Emotionally Tired of the fight

  1. You sound overwhelmed. When my children were young we too struggled with finances (which got better in time), my cooking was lacking (but with much practice and dedication I learned) and the kids grew up (and I spent too much time worrying about the things I found out later were small and the small things were the most important.) The kids will grow up. The money will increase. The cooking takes practice and will improve. Don’t be too hard on yourself and remember to focus on the small things because those things (loving your family and your son while he’s small) are what really matters.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I agree. I like to do the same in my journals. And its nice to keep it anonymous so its just me and my journal and no one in the world has to know who I’m talking about. The best part is the rest of the world enjoys reading the conflicts and adversities because they too feel alone in their struggles. Its very encouraging. Good for you for being bold in sharing. It encourages others. I find it helps me most when I feel like I use my struggles to encourage others. I often feel like I’m more sensitive than other people and that may be because it does appear that artists are more sensitive and that’s why we create beautiful work. 💗

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  2. Haha, as I was preparing this message my kids were asking me questions and I accidentally hit send. Life can be overwhelming for everyone. Don’t be too hard on yourself and take some mommy relaxation time. My mommy time is at the gym, or found doodling in my art journal. Good luck and blessings. You sound like a sweet person and a good wife and mommy because you care so much!

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  3. Hahaha, sorry I don’t ‘edit’ my comments like I try to with my blog posts. Yes we all need money to get things going, as much as I love to hate it. It’s hard to juggle our ‘wants’ Versus our ‘needs’, we ‘want’ to create and make art, but we ‘need’ things like supplies and money in order to continue being creative. My brain and emotions work well to ‘create’ art, but don’t work very well for ‘making’ money. I really need some sort of income from home to look after our son and to buy more supplies to be able to afford to keep being creative, which as I said is like my ‘self-therapy’. I’m not good with making and keeping friends because of my health issues; symptoms etc. So it’s a struggle to try to get ‘free advertising’ etc to get people interested. I hate that I need money, otherwise I’d simply volunteer to freely give art activity supervision at an old people’s home or something similar… Helping other’s for free is so much better… But we all do need money to keep going on with life. Anyhow… Enough of my winging…

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  4. 😦 You sound overwhelmed for sure. I think that it is easy to be discouraged, but try not to let the overwhelm consume you. If you continue to do your best, you can at least hold your head high for the efforts. ((hugs)) to you and hope that things are brighter today!!

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    • Yeah, it’s just that some days I can’t help feel overwhelmed by the long going fight. It’s hard to live with an illness that just won’t ever get better or go away. Sometimes I just need to vent out the frustration of the constant battle.

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    • Thanks a lot Madeline! Sometimes even just a few followers that comment on blog help make me feel motivated to keep working on it… I think I will set myself an easier goal, one post every fortnight might be better to handle with family and health…

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  5. What you talk about here, I have lived many times over. I was always seen as clumsy – tripping over my own feet, dropping things, breaking things, etc. Since I have accepted that I have several mental health issues and have learned how to live my life around them instead of trying to hide or deny the symptoms, I am less clumsy and better at a lot of things. If we stress over things that we aren’t good at or don’t know a lot about, we get worse at it instead of better. Instead of stressing over not being a good cook, make things that are easy, that you are familiar with. As you gain confidence with them, keep adding new things. I went to culinary school over 10 years ago because it had always been a dream of mine. I was not always the best, but I concentrated on what I did know and before I knew it, I was doing the things I had found so hard.

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    • That’s definitely true! I find that when I am able to relax more and cook the few things I am able to relatively well I tend to do better. The more I allow myself to stress over whether the onions are overcooked etc, the worse the dish gets while cooking it… Now I try to concentrate on the few dishes I am able to cook and not worry about only have a few and not think about whether they all taste the same etc…

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  6. Be kind to yourself. Living with mental illness is challenge enough. Parenting young children takes love, time, and energy. Give yourself permission to learn how to cook over time. I agree with the other commenters that you seem overwhelmed. Take it easy. We learn through making mistakes, through trial and error.

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    • Yes, it can be hard when other people put pressure on you to do more when it might be too much for you. It can be so hard trying to please others, everyone’s level of what’s too much is different and everyone’s capability are also… I find it hard to concentrate on multi-tasking these days, either symptoms or from the medication… I really need to focus all my complete concentration on the cooking and because I don’t enjoy cooking it can be hard especially with a demanding child that needs attention.

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