I truly don’t know if it’s a panic attack or not, but it feels like stress and anxiety jacked up on steroids. It’s this seemingly never ending buzz in your head that’s one of the hardest symptom to deal with. It can get so bad that you start to believe you can physically feel a sort of tingly pain in your head, sort a cross between getting water up your nose and pins and needles, but you feel it kind of inside your head. This feeling can cause a person to want to hit their head on a wall to get it to stop.
This is one of the worst states a person can be in. This is the time a person can be at their utmost vulnerable. You have to be extremely super careful who you are with while in this sort of a state, because if they aren’t willing to help you, a person could easily do something to harm themselves while in a state like this. This would be when a more normal, caring person would be tempted to call for medical intervention.
My husband and mother, on the other hand, prefer to use the ‘wait it out’ method, because they are both afraid of the possible consequences of my being put into hospital or worse. There is always the worry that if I’m seen by outside professionals that we might possibly loose our child.
Then there’s the worry that I might be put on so much medication that I may loose some of my sense of emotion. Or that being put on too much medication, there might be physical side effects that might affect other parts of my health.
After a few hours, the feeling of pain starts to slowly recede, and I am left with a sort of unusual milder pain more like a headache. I feel as though I am emotionally drained, I feel sort of numb and unmotivated but I feel some level of agitation and stress all at the same time.
I feel desperate to talk to someone, to have someone’s company, like I’m afraid something extremely bad will happen if I’m left on my own. I absolutely need to talk to someone and have someone listen to me about how I’m feeling, someone to at least try to understand. I feel desperate to gain some advice on what to do to make the left over anxiety and confusion go away.
While all this goes on I can’t stop crying, the inner turmoil is so hard to bear that I can’t stop the tears. It’s like a flood gate has been opened and I simply can’t stop the water, in a way the crying both hurts me more and helps just a bit to relieve the pain inside at the same time. Sometimes it takes about an hour sometimes longer before I can stop crying and try to sort out how I feel and try to calm down enough to be able to think clearly. Thank God that I’m usually able to continue looking after my son even when I can’t stop crying, sometimes he helps to calm me down just by being the sweet, cute little child that he is.
Now on medication the floodwaters have stopped for a while, the waters are calm and I can breathe and think reasonable normal again. The arguments and misunderstandings have reduced, I’m a much calmer, more self controlled version of myself again.
It’s ok and good for your body to try to go without medication for a while, but sometimes you simply have to give up the fight and allow yourself to accept a bit more help if you need it. For me, that extra “umph” and push I need to be able to function more normally is to be on medication again for a while. I don’t see it as a negative or as my loosing the battle at all, loosing the battle would be if I totally gave up on myself and on life and actually killed myself. This is just a respite, a way to give myself the extra help I need while I work on my emotional and mental health and work on re-writing the automatic tapes that play in my mind.