Archive | October 2016

I can’t seem to win…

I’ve never been good at getting along with people, it seems that my whole life I struggled to get people to like me. I’ve never seemed to know the right way to behave, how much and when to talk etc, or never known the right things to say.

It seems I still don’t know what to say and when, which topics are ok to discuss and I don’t seem to know enough about the outside world to be able to have enough different topics to discuss with anyone. I deliberately stopped watching news on tv a few years ago as I found all the reports about crime and accidents depressing.

There was too much news about how badly people were behaving against one another and too much blood and death going on in the world. Not watching enough tv can also be a bad thing also though as you also miss out on all the general and good news. It can then be hard to know what to talk about with people, as you then dont know the general world news.

I can’t get along with my husband much as we just don’t have hardly any interests etc in common, so we don’t have much topics we can discuss with each other. If I mention any of my personal hobbies like art or craft too much he thinks I’m doing too much hobbies and he thinks I’m neglecting the house duties etc. If I talk too much about my parents or other relatives too much he thinks I care too much about them and then he thinks it means that I care more about my other relatives more then him or our son. I can never seem to know the limits of when and how much to do anything in order to make anyone happy with me.

That’s all I know to talk about though, I start talking to him more about the house and what daily tasks I have completed for that day thinking that will make him happier talking to me, but then he says I don’t need to list him all I’ve done that day etc. I try to talk to him about our son more, about what we do during the day etc but then he usually always finds something to tell me off about as I always manage to forget something I should have done with our son etc. So then I tend to always feel that I am better off not to talk too much about our son as I always manage to get myself told off because I manage my time with our son so badly.

If  I talk to my Mum or any of my friends or relatives more then a few times a week and my husband know’s about it he tells me off again that he thinks I care more about my parents then I do about him and our son. If I see anyone more then a few times a month, again my husband blames me for caring more about other’s then I care about him and our son.

Half the time I definitely feel like I just don’t know what I’m doing in my attempts to communicate with people, I just know how to get along with people…

It’s not a nice feeling, I get too lonely if I void communicating with people too much, yet I also end up regretting most of my efforts to try to communicate with people as I just can’t seem to get along with anyone for more then five minutes. Then I end up questioning who I am and whether I’m actually a good person or not, I feel like I must be one of the worst people if I can’t manage to have any good normal conversations with anyone…

I just can’t ever seem able to get along with anyone and it makes me more sad and depressed…

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Questions about my role in life…

It can be very hard in the busy schedule of running around trying to manage and manoeuvre your way through hectic schedules and trying to meet high quality standards in everything you do. Some people still think and argue that housewives have an easier time of it compared to working people, but for someone with mental illness even the schedule of a housewife can seem busy, hectic and hard to manage.

Also there is the need to meet quality standards of cleanliness whilst looking after busy kids. You have to keep the house clean while chasing and cleaning after every new dirty area your kids leave in a mess, they can leave toys lying around or even bits of food crumbs or teared up bits of paper everywhere. You could just have finished vacuuming your house, only to find the lounge room full of bits of teared up paper, then you have to tidy and clean up all over again.

Then once any of your children has reached three years old they are expected to start schedules of regular playgroups or three year old kindergarten and you still have to do the shopping, pay bills etc. Cooking can take anywhere from half an hour to a few hours depending on what you make, then there is the almost never ending piles of dishes from meals and snacks.

It can actually be pretty hard to meet any sort of timing or scheduling sheet you might plan up even without a mental illness. When you have a mental illness it can be a pain or maybe impossible to try to stick to any sort of schedule because you also have your emotional or mental symptoms to deal with while you try to juggle all the stress and confusion of how to keep everything clean and under control.

Are you supposed to entertain and keep your children busy so they are learning and not making a mess, cleaning up after the mess and spills they create, doing the general cleaning or cooking for the nights meal? Having so much to do can be almost overwhelming if you do suffer from a mental illness. Then if you try to fulfil your own needs for hobbies or friends, it can be an almost impossible task of getting everything done.

Then there is also the possibility that your feeling needy to be pursuing any sort of hobby or ideas of working from home it can cause even more chaos. Learning how to fulfil your needs of achievement and how to feel as though you have a purpose in life can be tricky. Some people say that just by managing the general tasks of being a housewife and mother should be fulfilling in its own right.

What if it’s simply not enough or you feel like you’re simply not good at it no matter how hard you try? What if the place you’re given by life and the people around you doesn’t match your expectations for life? What if it doesn’t suit your personality type and you struggle to fulfil the role you’ve been given?

I’ve been told by a few people with mental illness that my need to be creative and to try to get myself known somehow and to gain some credit for my creative activities is a symptom of mental illness. My husband is also still trying also to get me to give up my craft hobbies so I can focus solely on my duties as a housewife.

So almost a week ago I started a little experiment to see if how I feel living without undertaking any major creative project and see if I’m able to live happily or not. So far there is a slight decrease in my frustration of trying to find time and ideas on how to get my projects posted online. I find myself able to focus better on most of my daily tasks I try to get done as apart of my role as housewife.

I still look for creative ways I can come up with activities to try with my son to try to give him some home schooling though. This means that I do have a bit of a way to go before I can say I have totally given up on my creative activities 100%. You do tend to use some creative ideas to try to keep children entertained and busy with activities that they can also learn from. If I’m not meant to create art and craft to sell I can at least channel some of my creative ideas and energy into creating activities for my son and have less guilt and less blame for wasting time on useless crafts.

Obsessed – Or Is Craft Therapy a Necessity?

mermaid-1-etsy

Am I more content to work on my online Etsy store then I am in talking to my family and friends in real life?

I just came back online again after a few days trying to abstain from coming online to test a theory of my husbands and someone on a Facebook group that I was chatting to a few days ago. There is some belief that a feeling of needing to communicate online and trying to use art or craft, to try to get your name even a little “known” is like a symptom of mental illness.

There seems to be a belief that being online too much is bad for people, in some ways if it becomes too much of an obsession, yes it could hamper a person. It could get in the way of the person getting more important daily chores done or could affect how much communication and attention the person gives other people in the real world.

Sometimes because people you chat to online aren’t really in front of you it can feel easier to communicate with them as there is less possibility of being hurt or embarrassed. People seem more attentive on line as they give themselves more time to concentrate better on what they online, people seem less distracted by other issues or people as they concentrate on their online conversations.

People are more inclined to think twice before they post or chat online as it’s most often done in the written format. Therefore people you communicate with online may seem nicer and more polite.

My communications online and other online activities in trying to get my artwork noticed are more therapeutic, my communications with people in real life are often riddled with pain and misunderstanding. What are we to make of this? Is there any possible meaning or reason as to why some of us really do feel more happier communicating and making friends online?