Tag Archive | Relationships

I can’t seem to win…

I’ve never been good at getting along with people, it seems that my whole life I struggled to get people to like me. I’ve never seemed to know the right way to behave, how much and when to talk etc, or never known the right things to say.

It seems I still don’t know what to say and when, which topics are ok to discuss and I don’t seem to know enough about the outside world to be able to have enough different topics to discuss with anyone. I deliberately stopped watching news on tv a few years ago as I found all the reports about crime and accidents depressing.

There was too much news about how badly people were behaving against one another and too much blood and death going on in the world. Not watching enough tv can also be a bad thing also though as you also miss out on all the general and good news. It can then be hard to know what to talk about with people, as you then dont know the general world news.

I can’t get along with my husband much as we just don’t have hardly any interests etc in common, so we don’t have much topics we can discuss with each other. If I mention any of my personal hobbies like art or craft too much he thinks I’m doing too much hobbies and he thinks I’m neglecting the house duties etc. If I talk too much about my parents or other relatives too much he thinks I care too much about them and then he thinks it means that I care more about my other relatives more then him or our son. I can never seem to know the limits of when and how much to do anything in order to make anyone happy with me.

That’s all I know to talk about though, I start talking to him more about the house and what daily tasks I have completed for that day thinking that will make him happier talking to me, but then he says I don’t need to list him all I’ve done that day etc. I try to talk to him about our son more, about what we do during the day etc but then he usually always finds something to tell me off about as I always manage to forget something I should have done with our son etc. So then I tend to always feel that I am better off not to talk too much about our son as I always manage to get myself told off because I manage my time with our son so badly.

If  I talk to my Mum or any of my friends or relatives more then a few times a week and my husband know’s about it he tells me off again that he thinks I care more about my parents then I do about him and our son. If I see anyone more then a few times a month, again my husband blames me for caring more about other’s then I care about him and our son.

Half the time I definitely feel like I just don’t know what I’m doing in my attempts to communicate with people, I just know how to get along with people…

It’s not a nice feeling, I get too lonely if I void communicating with people too much, yet I also end up regretting most of my efforts to try to communicate with people as I just can’t seem to get along with anyone for more then five minutes. Then I end up questioning who I am and whether I’m actually a good person or not, I feel like I must be one of the worst people if I can’t manage to have any good normal conversations with anyone…

I just can’t ever seem able to get along with anyone and it makes me more sad and depressed…

Obsessed – Or Is Craft Therapy a Necessity?

mermaid-1-etsy

Am I more content to work on my online Etsy store then I am in talking to my family and friends in real life?

I just came back online again after a few days trying to abstain from coming online to test a theory of my husbands and someone on a Facebook group that I was chatting to a few days ago. There is some belief that a feeling of needing to communicate online and trying to use art or craft, to try to get your name even a little “known” is like a symptom of mental illness.

There seems to be a belief that being online too much is bad for people, in some ways if it becomes too much of an obsession, yes it could hamper a person. It could get in the way of the person getting more important daily chores done or could affect how much communication and attention the person gives other people in the real world.

Sometimes because people you chat to online aren’t really in front of you it can feel easier to communicate with them as there is less possibility of being hurt or embarrassed. People seem more attentive on line as they give themselves more time to concentrate better on what they online, people seem less distracted by other issues or people as they concentrate on their online conversations.

People are more inclined to think twice before they post or chat online as it’s most often done in the written format. Therefore people you communicate with online may seem nicer and more polite.

My communications online and other online activities in trying to get my artwork noticed are more therapeutic, my communications with people in real life are often riddled with pain and misunderstanding. What are we to make of this? Is there any possible meaning or reason as to why some of us really do feel more happier communicating and making friends online?

Panic Attack?

Bipolar Zine Mum

I truly don’t know if it’s a panic attack or not, but it feels like stress and anxiety jacked up on steroids. It’s this seemingly never ending buzz in your head that’s one of the hardest symptom to deal with. It can get so bad that you start to believe you can physically feel a sort of tingly pain in your head, sort a cross between getting water up your nose and pins and needles, but you feel it kind of inside your head. This feeling can cause a person to want to hit their head on a wall to get it to stop.

This is one of the worst states a person can be in. This is the time a person can be at their utmost vulnerable. You have to be extremely super careful who you are with while in this sort of a state, because if they aren’t willing to help you, a person could easily do something to harm themselves while in a state like this. This would be when a more normal, caring person would be tempted to call for medical intervention.

My husband and mother, on the other hand, prefer to use the ‘wait it out’ method, because they are both afraid of the possible consequences of my being put into hospital or worse. There is always the worry that if I’m seen by outside professionals that we might possibly loose our child.

Then there’s the worry that I might be put on so much medication that I may loose some of my sense of emotion. Or that being put on too much medication, there might be physical side effects that might affect other parts of my health.

After a few hours, the feeling of pain starts to slowly recede, and I am left with a sort of unusual milder pain more like a headache. I feel as though I am emotionally drained, I feel sort of numb and unmotivated but I feel some level of agitation and stress all at the same time.

I feel desperate to talk to someone, to have someone’s company, like I’m afraid something extremely bad will happen if I’m left on my own. I absolutely need to talk to someone and have someone listen to me about how I’m feeling, someone to at least try to understand. I feel desperate to gain some advice on what to do to make the left over anxiety and confusion go away.

While all this goes on I can’t stop crying, the inner turmoil is so hard to bear that I can’t stop the tears. It’s like a flood gate has been opened and I simply can’t stop the water, in a way the crying both hurts me more and helps just a bit to relieve the pain inside at the same time. Sometimes it takes about an hour sometimes longer before I can stop crying and try to sort out how I feel and try to calm down enough to be able to think clearly. Thank God that I’m usually able to continue looking after my son even when I can’t stop crying, sometimes he helps to calm me down just by being the sweet, cute little child that he is.

Now on medication the floodwaters have stopped for a while, the waters are calm and I can breathe and think reasonable normal again. The arguments and misunderstandings have reduced, I’m a much calmer, more self controlled version of myself again.

It’s ok and good for your body to try to go without medication for a while, but sometimes you simply have to give up the fight and allow yourself to accept a bit more help if you need it. For me, that extra “umph” and push I need to be able to function more normally is to be on medication again for a while. I don’t see it as a negative or as my loosing the battle at all, loosing the battle would be if I totally gave up on myself and on life and actually killed myself. This is just a respite, a way to give myself the extra help I need while I work on my emotional and mental health and work on re-writing the automatic tapes that play in my mind.