Emotionally Tired of the fight

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I’d give anything to be able to create my artwork more often in peace!

Life is all too much about money! What wouldn’t I give to be able to use a time machine and go back to hit the person who invented money over the head to stop them!

I had a conversation just yesterday about this wish of mine to stop money from being invented, and my husband showed me my error, it’s not money that’s the problem, it’s human greed that’s making me miserable!

No one is open and/or willing to help other people. Everyone is too busy looking out only for themselves. Money has too much value these days, let alone being absolutely necessary for general living. You can’t do anything or go anywhere without it! You virtually can’t eat or drink anything without money and you can hardly get any resources without it.

A lot of unhappiness comes from the lack of money! The main problems I have with our marriage is due to lack of funds and how we could make my life less stressful and easier. If we had enough financial funds to buy extra equipment that would make my house management easier. We would buy a dishwasher, a good strong medium weight vacuum, we would more easily afford to buy food for the home as I am a really lousy cook.

My lack of cooking skills adds a lot of extra emotional stress and trouble between me and my husband. The more I try to become a better housewife and cook, the more I stress over it the more mistakes I make and the more problems we have in getting along. I have panic attacks and other anxiety issues more often and at worse levels and it all starts off more of my Bipolar symptoms. It’s like a never ending cycle of negativity and stress.

I really am desperate to try to look after the house and our son and husband better then I am able to. However my desperate efforts go pretty much unnoticed because of my lack of expertise in some of the main the tasks I have to get done in order to look after them. I get discouraged easily from cooking because it’s so bad and we sometimes can’t even eat it. It makes me feel bad to throw away food and it’s against my husbands culture and against both of our religions. When it’s that bad both my husband and I get upset and we become more irritable with each other. He assumes that I don’t try hard enough and that I get too distracted with my “hobbies” and I get sad and depressed thinking that I am not good enough at anything.

It can become very emotionally draining and tiring to have to keep fighting over the same topics, fight against your emotions and symptoms and fighting with your family members are both hard to cope with sometimes. Sometimes it can be extremely hard to continue motivating yourself to continue working on improving your emotional and mental health when you have a seemingly constant flood of problems that keep churning up more trouble.

I am desperately trying to avoid giving up all together, but what can a person do when they are unable to really learn something important no matter what they do? I have tried almost every idea my husband, I and my mother can think of to get me to learn to cook better. So far nothing has really helped, I even started refusing to answer the phone if I am cooking, but I can’t exactly stop my son from wanting my attention, he needs to be fed etc.

Sometimes, there is no real solution to be found easily…

Peacok Mini Album

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How I use my art for happiness.

At the moment I am officially using approximately three separate art journals, two altered books that I transformed into art journals and one A5 sized store bought art journal. The A5 store art journal was originally my mini travel fashion design sketchbook, which I had only used approximately one third of. So one third of the journal is filled with grey lead sketches and notes of designs of formal wear dresses I wanted to attempt to sew.

As I have pretty much officially given up on fashion design, I started transforming the book into an art journal. I am erasing any grey load notes about fabric etc and painting the fashion sketches I like the best with watercolour paints and markers. The leftover unused pages I am painting random art journal image pages such as whimsical girl faces.

The two altered book art journals I am using are for art journal pages with motivational quotes for life and happiness. I am not constraining myself with rules of how I create the art work and am creating the artwork with as less stress as possible. I use whichever art journal mixed media ideas as I can think of and I am not stressing over what type of media supplies or techniques I use to create the art.

I often turn to using the motivational art journals on days I feel too stressed or tired to create complete original pieces of art. I focus mainly on creating interesting, colourful backgrounds on which to add the quotes over. The main idea is to be able to allow myself to feel the simple enjoyment of creating something pretty and creative without having any stress over the quality or using correct techniques. Often the pages do not turn out very mixed media and only utilise one to three different mark making supplies or techniques. Instead of worrying over what category the artwork fits into I concentrate on having fun adding colour, being able to make use of the writing on the book pages as texture or interest and being able to read the quote once it’s done.

I also have another altered book art journal I created to create art journal pages using the Creative Happiness Ebook exercises and prompts. The exercises focus on concentrating on the individual activity, allowing the artist to block out a lot of outside negative stress related issues. The activities help the artist to concentrate on creating artwork that prompts the artist to consider themselves, their ideas, self concept and how they see themselves, the world and how they see themselves in their world. I am testing the activities to see how well they are described, I am enjoying seeing how they prompt my self thoughts on the focus topics and creating example artwork representing the activity themes and topics. 

So far I have gotten through only approximately five or six exercises as I do them in between working on the other art journals I am using. I hope to try to utilise more mixed media techniques and experiment with more ideas on how to utilise the art/craft supplies I currently own and choosing which art supplies to purchase to continue my artwork. 

Quick Art Journal Pages

So I have my own style of creating Art Journal pages!

I’m sure I’m not the first or only person to work this way and still call the artwork art journal pages. I find the more I watch multimedia or mixed-media art journal tutorials, the more I put off creating actual fully layered pages using more then two supplies or techniques.

All these rules and techniques listed in videos really put me off at the moment. I can’t afford hardly any of the juicy brand named supplies that most artists use in their video’s, I simply don’t have time to create artwork for longer then half an hour at a time. I certainly don’t have the patience for more then two or three techniques, wait for the paint to dry, even using a hair dryer as a paint dryer only helps so much. It helps to dry the paint a little faster but it still takes around 5 minutes or longer and by the time it’s dry I can’t remember what I wanted to do next.

My almost constant high level of stress and anxiety at the moment keeps me from relaxing enough to be creative with free movements with creating more then two layers. By the time I try to come up with more ideas of what to use that will actually work in layers with my limited supplies I feel too frustrated to use them. I don’t have an actual spot or table that I can constantly and safely use paints etc, I tend to be a little clumsy and worry that I might get paint on the rented apartments carpets. If I’m going to be upset that I don’t have the right supplies that actually work for layered art and sad that I can’t afford the proper good quality supplies, then what’s the point?

So, I do what I can with what I have that won’t cause me worry. I am aware that my imperfect cheaper version paints clearly won’t last as long or the colours may be not be as bright as more expensive paints and my altered glue books most likely are not non-toxic or may not be very safe to use with photo’s. Considering that I know I will not be happy unless I am able to create some sort of art/craft work that I can say I made myself, this is definitely better then nothing.

Most of the artwork I create at the moment are with cheap watercolour paints, a mixture of student’s and professional acrylic paints, kids version of water soluble gel pastels and general black fine liners or gold markers. I am slowly collecting more professional version of art supplies, I’m slowly replacing my student paints with professional quality paints. I am looking online for different options for supplies not available here in Australia, I guess at the moment I’d say I’m a bit off of mixed media and more into small numbered layers of work on my backgrounds.

I normally get around 10-30 min artwork time at a time in between studying university online and looking after my autistic son in between his school hours. I am trying to run a small happiness Facebook group to share and help friends like me experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as well as needing money for art supplies and to help afford general expenses for my son and I. I have to excuse myself to my mother and other family and friends when they know I’ve made artwork because they see it as wasting time when I should be studying or looking after my son, mainly due to my not being able to make any money from my hobbies.

In order to help myself get over my anxiety and reduce some stress about creating art, I tend to watercolour painting while observing my son chat to his dad online. When I want to try to branch out to art journal I’m testing out my Creative Happiness eBook art journal exercises. I find it very interesting to read the book from this side. Trying out the exercises and reading the general self-help sections as a reader instead of an author, helps to pick out anything I think needs editing and lets me consider the exercises as an artist and so far I’m having lots of fun!

What do you think?

Why I did not give up on Art

Watercolour painting with then 5 year old autistic son. Painting Alphabets.

The main focus, is not to give up. Creating art no matter what other people tell you and using your own ideas if you feel ill-equipped to follow popular trends in art.

Sometimes, if you try too hard to follow popular trends and you can’t afford popular supplies, it can backfire. Instead of enjoying your art/craft work, you could end up more stressed out rather then relaxing. This also counts if you are trying too hard to get a good “following” on media sites. Instead of creating art for your own enjoyment and relaxation you could end up sad or upset that you are unable to get the latest equipment or type of mark maker, paints etc. You stress about getting attention and “likes” and forget to enjoy the process of creating.

Being too busy with “real” money making strategies, like working too hard long hours or studying online to change your career or boost your income are good for life, as you we all need money to live. However those things also take away your time and energy from creating, and if like me you “need” to be creative in order to be truly happy, this can also pull you down, cause excess stress and possibly depression.

If you know you need creativity in your life to be really happy and content, then you need to make some time to devote to your hobbies. You need to create opportunities for yourself to get some fun time in your life. Neglecting such knowledge of your not being content or happy without creativity, will only cause you to end up overwhelmed by life’s “more important” issues. They will end weighing you down and you will end up feeling both emotionally and physically run down. You will end up having to force yourself to do the important tasks without any optimism or real reason and life will drag on unhappily.

After living this way for over 6 years whilst married to yet another wrong partner, since approximately 2018 when I found myself single again, with my autistic son, I decided to work my way up to being actively creative again. It took quite a long time, I found issues related to living with a slightly overbearing but loving also single mother. Having to get used to parenting my autistic son on my own and start “finding myself” again took quite a lot of energy and brain power.

I found at the beginning that I did not want to be creative as I was dejected that my art never “got anywhere”. Advice and reminders from loving, helpful but totally non-creative friends and family that I couldn’t afford to spend money on hobbies. I was told to focus my full attention on looking after my son and settling myself down either to get a job or study towards a career with more job prospects. It is hard to be able to be creative without hardly any supplies or constant reminders that you should not waste time on activities that will not benefit your future.

After approximately 4-5 months, I realised that no matter what else I did, listening to music, watching movies, reading or playing with my son, I was simply not as happy as I knew I ought to be.

Sometimes was definitely missing…

As soon as I bought my son some cheap “watercolour” paint, there was my excuse to slowly start making some sort of art. Saying I was painting with my son to show him and to play with him was my reason to give whenever my mother or some other advice offering friend asked me what I spent my time on.

How to truly love me?

Love ME

I feel more confident than I have in more than 10 years, so why don’t I feel 100% whole? The very fact that I still have a lot of questions in my head means that I still have some important work to do.

Yes, most of the time I feel ready to take the next step and try to find a life friend and partner. The very fact that I am able to say “most of the time”, the fact that I am somewhat “unsure” about whether I truly am ready yet, makes me stop and think. I want to ensure that I am not “rushing” to find someone to be in my life. Sure there is the physical needs factor, I am mature enough to realise that while becoming more confident and happier within myself my awareness of my physical needs to be intimate with someone has returned. There is a need to be cautious not to allow that or any false sense of wellbeing to go too fast headlong into the dating scene.

My best friend told me recently that she doesn’t think that I am ready yet to really date in real life. My questions about why she told me that, has led me to agree with her. I am happier more days than sad or depressed. I am more aware of my moods and my triggers and of good techniques that help me help myself to be happier. I know much more now about how to get myself back out of dark depressing days quicker and easier. I have many good effective strategies for keeping myself happier and more positive.

I believe that I like myself better than I have in many years. That is where the issue lies, I am closer to loving myself then I have ever been; however “love” still feels too strong a word for how I regard myself. I think that I am reasonably attractive and I think I am a good, strong person. That’s the crux of it all; the words I use to describe myself are still too weak, I haven’t quite yet reached true self-love yet. To understand and truly agree with the concept of “self-love” is what I need, but currently, I am unable to understand why I am still incapable of feeling and believing the true meaning of the phrase.

Hopefully, soon I will be able to find some understanding of the phrase and be able to comply with it. Once I will fully and truly able to say “I love myself” and to really truly mean it and not feel uncomfortable or dishonest in saying it, then I will be truly ready to go out and find my life friend and partner.

 

What do I want?

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I think I am as close to an identity crisis as possible. I am slowly getting confident, but have nothing to show for it. I have only half an idea of what I want for myself, I am too afraid to plan for any real future for myself. It feels like it will never come true so what’s the point?

I feel lonely and grab at straws and on the verge of desperation and reach out with hypo-manic hands at the wrong things. When I pull back and try to think clearly I get a
mish-mash of ideas, nothing makes total sense.

I feel strong enough to try, but don’t know what I am fighting for.

All I know is, I don’t want to be ordered around, I don’t want to be told what to do. But if anyone asks me what I want, I don’t have the faintest clue how to answer.

I know I want a partner for myself in life, a playmate, a friend. I want a confidant, someone I could be safe to tell my inner thoughts to, and not be judged or shamed for any of my ideas or feelings.

The fact that I still feel the need to be slightly propped up, to be reminded that I am ok. I still need to be told that it’s ok to be wrong sometimes to make mistakes. Not knowing exactly who I am, not knowing exactly what I want.

All these make me question, am I really ready? Am I ready to face life on my own? Am I able to cope with the bad people in the world? What if I’ll never be ready to face the cruelty in society? What if I just don’t know how to stick up for myself?

Either I let the wrong people in too far for the wrong reasons, or I am unable to let people in at all. Why am I unable to find the middle ground on any topic? I can accept that people can make mistakes and see that they are not necessarily bad people. Either I allow people to walk all over me or I simply don’t know how to stop them. Or I simply decide to cut them out completely if they don’t seem to treat me right.

 

The Journey to Happiness…

Road to happiness

It can take a rather long time, it can sometimes feel like forever, but if we are able to put our minds to it we can change our own minds. Once we are able to start recognising what we want to change, we can begin.

For me, it can be having panic attacks to the point of almost throwing up while a passenger in a car. In the past, it involved getting to the point of considering thoughts of suicide. Thinking that I was a waste of space and asking continuously why I’d been born.

I started reducing my panic attacks by consciously listening to music in times and places that I knew would trigger my panic. I was able to reduce the severity of my nausea bit by bit. Then I was able to reduce the time of my panic. Eventually, it stopped altogether.

I am able to help reduce my depression by practising reading Gratitude quotes, by reading Positivity and Motivational quotes. I watch anything on DVD or on Youtube that even seemed remotely interesting. Even on the days, I was close to self-harm, I turned to Youtube. I looked up anything I knew I’d been interested in the past. I persisted in watching them even on days I felt incredibly depressed. Even while in tears and barely stopping myself from crying I’d continue watching, it was a distraction.

In the beginning, I’d hardly be able to make any sense of what I’d watched. I’d hardly be able to hear the words being said in what I watched. Little by little, by persisting and continuously searching for different topics that were at least similar to my old hobbies, I started seeing some difference in myself. Slowly I was able to start understanding what I watched. I was able to start concentrating on what was on the screen. After some time I was able to watch a whole video, these videos were quite short, less than half an hour videos at best, but it was something.

Later I could remember the whole video I’d watched, and I felt myself acknowledging my interest in other things other than how I was feeling or my own thoughts. The more I was able to concentrate on other more interesting, less sad ideas, the more I could feel the weight of my own negativity lifting off my chest. I was changing, and for the better, my thoughts weren’t always continuously focussing only on my own inner negativity. I was working less on blaming and name-calling myself, and I was focussing on other, more pleasant things.

That’s the beginning of happier, calmer times, which can increase into whole days…

Imagine your Happiness…

Imagine Happiness

 

It’s a slow process. It takes time to get to know yourself. It takes time to get to know your own moods and understand your thought patterns. You need to recognise your triggers, both for sadness, irritability and for happiness. You need to recognise the more positive thoughts and emotions within yourself.

You need to practice Gratitude, Patience, Calmness and Mindfulness. You need to try to understand what each of them means to you. How do you define these words? Think about and write down your thoughts and feelings.

At the beginning, it can seem almost impossible. While in the throws and wholes of depression and sadness, it can seem like you simply don’t know how to be happy. You can’t seem to remember the emotion, how it feels, how it appears on you or what thoughts you have during happiness.

It seems like you simply don’t have the energy to even try, you feel like it’s a lost cause. Why should you imagine yourself as happy, when it feels like the world is determined to show you how pathetic and useless you are? You are unable to fight against the world and the haters. You simply find it easier and more believable to go along with the world’s negativity.

What we need to learn is to try and stop, wait and simply to let things be. We have to learn to accept our place in the world, thinking about whether we agree with it can come later. We simply need to learn to be. To allow ourselves to feel, and then, we stop. We have to learn how to stop accepting also. Once we accept that yes we are in a hard place, we must make the leap to make ourselves determined enough to allow ourselves to change.

It is our own minds that put ourselves in our depression, yes it is often illness, and it can be chemical. However, along with medical help and support from whichever friends or family we are able to find, we can start a chain reaction of challenges and changes.

How? That’s another story…  Which I will continue, next week… Stay tuned…

Who am I?

Blog Map - Who Am I - Aug 2019

I was born in Australia; my parents are from a country right smack in the middle of the border between Asia and Europe.

I grew up in Australia, to European old fashioned strict rules. I was not allowed to “date” until I had finished my higher education after high school. By getting to know my Ex’s once we’d been “friends” for a while was considered me “dating”.

I’ve been married and divorced more than two times, in our culture that means I am no longer really eligible for approaches for offers of marriage. Society does not quite look at you the same way once you are divorced. Thank God in my parent’s culture you aren’t completely shunned for being a divorcee woman, but some people do tend to be judgmental and try to keep their bachelor sons away from you if you are the least friendly.

I don’t quite understand the rules and traditions of my parent’s culture, but neither do I quite understand those of Australians. I don’t live according to either culture’s rules or traditions. I don’t quite fit in with people in my age group, in either culture. I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol much except for small amounts socially, I don’t like to go clubbing and I don’t have one night stands. I don’t have lots of boyfriends. I don’t know much about general knowledge about the world because too much news makes me more depressed, upset and anxious.

Is this what they refer to as a “Midlife crises”? I am 40 years old, but I’ve been confused about where I fit in for most of my life…

Introducing my Friend Simge Yeter

Introducing my Friend Simge Yeter, she’s a little handheld puppet I made using an old towel and some old children’s clothes.

I’m planning on using her to try to explore different topics I wish I could chat about on Youtube and other public forums where I don’t wish to show my own face.

She’ll sometimes talk about more sensitive topics that I am unsure of breaching myself. I will allow her to start discussions that I”m too afraid to discuss in person. Hopefully, I can generate some reaction to her videos, let’s see…?

Facebook Group Bipolar Pen Pals

Facebook Grp Pic

Hi,

Today I am introducing my new Facebook Group called Bipolar Pen Pals.

Initially, the group was designed to help people suffering from the effects of Bipolar find themselves Pen Pals to write to. It’s a reasonably small tight nit group of individuals. So far we have mainly been focusing on all getting to know each other and focusing on starting to generate general ideas on how to help ourselves deal with the symptoms.

Some of our members have started branching out and now have started deciding whom to swap details with to begin sending each other snail mail. Up until now most of our correspondence has mostly been all online via posting and private messages.

We are all about ensuring that our entire members feel safe at all times and we encourage our members to swap personal details in ways that does not jeopardize their personal details being picked up by others. It is a self-promoted Pen Pal swap so everyone chooses for themselves who/how or when they decide to swap details and start writing to each other. It is an all-adult group and therefore everyone is able to make their own decisions whether to start writing to anyone via snail mail etc.

Currently, we only have two members of Admin, my best friend and I, we will be working on slowly building our team of Admin/Moderating staff and hope to see our little group grow to include a lot more people. We are working on ideas to adapt and grow the group and are considering making some changes to include more variety of people into the group and accommodate more differing interests and topics into our discussion.

I am going to look for ways to include some of my art and craft into the group activities and to try to prompt our members to try to have some extra fun with their letter writing.

Anyone interested in joining our group can search for our group name, but in order to apply to join our group you must answer our three join up questions.

Hope to see you there!